“If I could, I would go back to in time to when I was in high school.”

After saying he felt “so lonely in the relationship” that he “understands now why people cheat”, and had been thinking about doing so:

“I feel better.  Let’s have sex!”

Really?  Because I feel absolutely gutted.

“You have the emotional capacity of a fifteen year old girl.”

Really?  Because I’m not the one who talked about you behind your back at our shared workplace.

“I don’t even feel like you’re my friend.”

Really?  Even though I wholeheartedly, unquestioningly support everything you do?  Even though I tell you every day how much I like and respect you, and how special you are to me?  Even though I try to take all of your bullshit criticism of me to heart, even though it’s killing me?

“No, you can’t sit near me, because I need to vent to (our mutual co-worker) about you sometimes.”

Turns out he was also venting to everyone else in the building.  And by ‘venting’, he meant spilling our personal shit to anyone who’d listen, including the creepy dude in shipping who tried to get rebound sex from me.

Good job, Ex.  You twat.

After throwing a shit fit six months into our relationship and breaking up with me for the first time:

“I made the biggest mistake of my life.”

Then I took him back.

After breaking up with me, and then begging me for three days to take him back (at work, no less, where he had me as a captive audience):

“I don’t feel comfortable changing my facebook relationship status back to ‘In a relationship’, because I told all my relatives we broke up, and it’s embarrassing.”

Excuse me?  I told all my friends and family that you dumped me on my ass out of nowhere, and they think I’ve taken leave of my senses because I took you back.

“I’m not comfortable going on vacation with you, because then my mother will know we’re sleeping together.”

LIE AND SAY WE GOT SEPARATE ROOMS!!!  Or man up and tell her it’s none of her business…

“I’m the best you’ll ever have.”

“I don’t think you can do much better than me.”